October 21st, 2005


A long time ago....

...we used to be friends.

Today I spent a good two hours talking to the New Jersey Public School system getting school stuff together. It made me start to think about all the changes that will be in my life soon. It made me think about how much I have changed since high school. It made me think how much I have changed in the past few years. I thought about the relationships I once had, the new ones I have cultivated and yes even the ones I have neglected. I am not perfect, never will be. Yep, its all about change.

I will miss Suncoast. Maybe not everyone in it and maybe not all those who are regulars. In fact I will feel better burning some of those bridges that are long time overdue (so sick of 'acting' to tell you the truth...as I am sure they are too) I have come to the realization of a lot of things in the past few months about Suncoast. Number One: Never try and save someone's ass. It's not worth it. They won't appreciate it and they'll probably do it again. Is it worth the extra stress because you thought you cared about them like a friend? No. Number Two: I rock as a salesperson. I can sell stuff like no other. I kind of suck as a Manager. Sure the store was in the top ten. Sure for the most part it was fun to go to work, but I am not a born leader. Not really a follower either. More like put me in a corner and let me do everything on my own (kind of the way it was in high school when you had a group paper. I do it, it gets done right. they do it, we'll probably get a C) Number Three: Being boss means that those who work for you will probably hate you, probably underappreciate you...but it's part of the territory. They might respect you, they might not in the end. Ah well. Number Four: I will be missed. I love it when my regulars come up to me and say 'I don't know if we'll shop here once you're gone' It makes me proud and yet I want to assure them that Michelle will help just as much. Number Five: EVen with the end in sight, I still worry. I worry that the store will suck without me after I have worked so hard to make it great. I worry that I might have sucked and the store will do much better now that I am gone. I worry that I am making a grave mistake. That I won't be good at anything else. This has been my life for 6 years. 6 years of hard work...and okay pay.

I remember when my first boss left, there was a shindig. A thanks for your hard work and being my boss party. I don't think my employees will throw me one. That makes me a little sad. I did the best I knew how. I tried. Sometimes I did all right, sometimes not. Being boss isn't always that easy. And I certainly wasn't as good as Paul. In the end I think I became so bitter that I started acting like my boss the district manager and she is actually a spawn of Satan.

I gained friends and lost friends during that job. Gained ones that I treasure more than anything. Cassie, and Paul rock my socks. I met Karebear (I really need to catch up with you missy...Serenity shirts oh my) who is absolutely anamazing woman with way too much energy. I also lost friends like Gretchen. *shrug* Which makes me sad sometimes , but in the end I am sure we are better off without one another. You cannot force someone to be your friend or to trust you. And there is only so much deception and lack of appreciation you can take. I wonder if Gretchen and I would still be friends if I hadn't become her boss. I wonder if we can be friends again because I won't be her boss. *shrug* Who knows.

This chapter of my life is closing. I am excited for all the changes as much as I am nervous about them all. I like having my life back. I like being able to do things. To leave work at work and enjoy my life. I don't know where the next couple of years will take me....hopefully overseas though. But it is exciting. I am curious. I am scared. I am happy. I am sad. I feel like I get to start all over again.
There is nothing more freeing.

We'll see how I do.
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